National Bereaved Parents Day: Making extraordinary memories last

"I’ve always worked in care, since I was 16 years old. I started my journey in elderly care; I looked after people with dementia when I left school, then moved into community care where I looked after children too. Growing up, I had a cousin who had a severe disability. She died when she was 21, and I used to look after her a lot when I was a little girl, so I think caring has always been in my nature.

When the Demelza job advert came up, after taking care of my cousin as well as looking after children in the community, I thought it was something I might be able to do. But I was really anxious about it, especially about looking after children in the bereavement suite - it wasn’t something I had any experience with. But after working alongside the experienced care team, I felt more confident, and I knew it was just an extension of the care we give. We ensure families are supported throughout to say a meaningful goodbye and that their child is treated with dignity, care and respect.

I started at Demelza in 2007 as a healthcare assistant. In 2024 I joined the family liaison department, working under the psychotherapeutic team as a psychotherapeutic engagement practitioner. It’s a really varied role, supporting families and delivering memory-making sessions.

I’ve always enjoyed creating memories with the children I care for. While on the care team, this would range from making hand and footprints, creating art with the child, taking photographs of special moments and activities, to even getting short video clips to share with families – just capturing those moments for them to enjoy together.

This then evolved into creating a Demelza wooden memory box, which is offered to families of children at end of life or using the bereavement suite. The box included specially selected ceramic items such as a photo frame, bauble, and tile, that can all be personalised with hand/footprints in brightly coloured inks.

I had taken a body casting course privately, as I wanted to create my own memories with my children, and I suggested this might be something we could do for families, to add to the items already offered. It all just snowballed from there. I was caring for a child receiving end of life care and while holding his hand, his mum mentioned that said she would love to have that moment captured in time. So that’s when we introduced the casting. It became really popular – it’s something the families say is really meaningful.

Body casting is highly pressured – there’s only three minutes from the time we start mixing the alginate to get the mould, so you have to work very quickly to make sure every part of the hand/foot is covered.

It’s then down to the skill of the caster to ensure that when casting the mould you’re not losing fingertips or getting air bubbles. It’s not until we’ve demoulded the cast a few hours later that you know how successful it’s been, or if you need to recast - which you hope you don’t! It’s a real sense of relief that it came out well – we can breathe. You can lose sleep over it, it can bring a lot of anxiety, because sometimes you might not get a second chance to attempt.

It can be difficult to work closely with children who have died, but you hold on to the fact that you know how much it means to the family that they can touch their child’s hand again. You hold on to the privilege of the moment, because you know how heartbreaking it is. I’ve got personal experience in this, and that’s a big part of my motivation to do this work. But it really can be a difficult space to be in. We might sit for a while holding a child’s hand first, because after they’ve died their hands might be a lot firmer and need to be gently adjusted into a pose. We take a lot of time and care. In those moments, we might sing to the child, read them a story, or sit beside a parent holding their child’s hand, if they do want to do that. I can’t emphasise enough that even if a child has died, we treat them just as we would if they were alive. I think a lot of people, and families, don’t expect that, but for us that’s the most important thing.

Sometimes a family might not feel comfortable being part of the hand casting process with their child, so we do try to offer alternatives so that they don’t have to be involved if that isn’t right for them. For some children during their life, body casting just isn’t an option – it’s important to remain as still as possible during casting and so sadly it might not be possible until a child is at end of life or after they have died. Whatever reason families might have been prevented from making those memories, we’re there to make sure they are able to capture those precious moments.

But it’s not just about documenting the sad times, it’s about the happy times as well. If they’ve got a special family member or even a pet, they want to be part of a memory piece, we can do that. One family had dogs who they wanted to include, so we made a clay impression with the child’s hands and the two dogs’ paws. We can make it really personal. When families have an idea for what they want we do whatever we can to make that idea happen.

We offer memory-making in the hospice, at the child's home, in hospitals and at funeral directors. When we deliver sessions for children at end of life we gently work alongside the child and their family, ensuring the child’s comfort throughout our sessions. And importantly, we allow the child to set the pace. Recently we delivered a session at home and the child was able to wake and sleep throughout the session, enabling them to choose their favourite colours to create handprint art with their parents. Their siblings were able to join the session too.

If we can create that memory for them, then we’re going to try and make it as special as we can. I think siblings get quite a lot out of the sessions, through choosing colours and getting a say in things. It’s a way of involving them and giving them something to control when everything around them is so unsettling.

I think memory-making gives families the ability to transport themselves back to being with their child, even if it was the most painful time. It’s being able to touch, it’s tangible. It’s about not forgetting that they are a family, that their child is very much loved and still included in everything the family does. Those items become very special. One family member told us if there was a fire, they would rescue their memory items above anything else in the house.

The way I look at things is we’re just in the background, holding space, and giving families the opportunity to make memories. But it is really nice to hear that they get comfort from it. On a difficult day it helps to know how important or special it is to them. I can’t even really put it into words, what it means to us to do it – it is a huge privilege. I always say that to every family - to actually be in that space with them is a privilege, because it might be their last few moments together and you’re there taking up part of that time and space. But we just try to melt into the background and do what the family needs.

You can’t really explain what it’s like working in the bereavement suite. To spend time with a child who has died and then walk along the corridor to the lounge where children are playing and creating memories - it's a bizarre experience. The Demelza teams support the work I am privileged to do and I really couldn't do it without their help. They get it - they understand when it’s been tough and when the chips are down, they’re there for you.

I think that's why Demelza has a very special place in my heart that you can’t get from any other organisation. Working with the families, seeing their journey and how difficult that is, and just trying to make it the slightest bit easier. Sometimes the pressure and the enormity of it can get to you, but there’s nothing quite like it elsewhere. I love it – it’s ingrained in me now.”